What to Do After the Wedding's Over

I quit my job a few days before the wedding and my new gig doesn't start for a few more days. I've basically been a childless stay at home mom for the past few days, and I don't really know what to do with myself. Without a high powered desk job and a wedding to plan, I am nothing but a child playing house and Amelia Bedelia-ing said house. Let me explain my history as Amelia Bedelia.

 

Image via Wikipedia

I lived with Mr. Unicycle for about 5 days in college because my 2 leases didn't line up back to back. During that time, I managed to completely destroy his entire apartment and apartment building (note: this blog post contains hyperbole). What started as spilling a few drops of coffee onto his bedspread culminated in a waterlogged living room, flooded bathroom, a suspicious trail of water leading to the basement laundry facilities, and about $10 wasted in coin-operated laundry machines. It was basically exactly like The Cat in the Hat. All Mr. Unicycle said when he got home was "why is my bedspread damp?"

So when it comes to household chores, I'm Amelia Bedelia. Or an anthropomorphic cat.

 

Image via Wikipedia

For your benefit, I chose the cartoon pic, not the Mike Myers horror film pic.

And yet, I'm the one in charge of organizing our wedding gifts and figuring out how to work the new appliances. You can see where this story is going--never let a child operate a brand new espresso maker unsupervised, even if the child has read the directions several times, and even if the child holds a college degree. Yes, steamed milk is currently...everywhere. And I'm blogging about it instead of cleaning.

Now that the world's longest intro is over, we can get to the real meat and potatoes of the post: what can I do with myself now that my wedding's over? I thrive on to do lists and can't comprehend that my wedding tasks are over, so I made another list. Here's the list I came up with. But keep in mind that, as I already pointed out, I'm choosing to blog about the list instead of actually accomplishing anything on it:

The List:

1. Change my last name. I never blogged about my reasoning behind this because it was a boring reason. I'm married, so my last name is changing. I'm too lazy to consider alternatives. I found a good resource on The Knot about how to do so.
2. Get new car insurance, a new drivers license, and new license plates. This is mostly because the Unicycles have never shacked up before (except those 5 fateful, apartment ruining days) and my car now lives in a new state. All 3 of these tasks are too boring to even think about.
3. Thank you notes! I already ordered the photo we're using in our thank you post cards, and until they arrive, I really can't get started on this yet.
   
   
   
   Image via Jennifer Shaffer Photography
   We wanted to match the save the dates!
   
   
4. Hit the bank. We need to merge our accounts and deposit the zillions of dollars in wedding gifts we got. Unfortunately, it's proving quite difficult to get to a bank that's actually open once Mr. Unicycle gets off work, let alone figuring out how to deposit a check with my future last name on it. Next time I give a check as a wedding gift I'm only writing the groom's name on it!
5. Sell wedding stuff. Anyone want my centerpiece "vases?" I've got 19 for $4 a pop. I'll put up a listing in Classifieds eventually but again, I'm too lazy to actually do anything right now.
   
   
    
   Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography (cropped by me)
   
   
6. Add my name to the utility bills, change my address for all of my own bills, and add myself to Mr. Unicycle's cell phone plan (I'm getting my first smart phone ever!).
7. Choose photos for our wedding albums and order prints. I want to put some albums together for our parents in time for Christmas, plus we're getting a FREE album from our photographer (remember that anecdote?), PLUS we owe our parents some wedding photos. I also need to get organized to begin recaps for you guys.
8. Review our wedding vendors. I want to do so out of the goodness of my heart, both to benefit the vendors we loved and future brides. However, there's the added incentive of a free Shutterfly photobook from The Knot if we review 5 there. I'm not even sure we had 5 vendors though.
9. Get my dress dry cleaned. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my dress. I always said I'd try to sell it, but now I'm attached to it. Plus, it was custom made and altered to fit me, so I don't even know what size to call it. Snooki sized, most likely.
   
   
   Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography
   I mean seriously, good thing I wore 5 inch heels.
   
   
   What else needs to get done after the wedding? I'm off to damage my apartment in a coffee related incident. Somebody stop me!

We're a Bicycle

I just can't help myself with these wheel puns. I was very open from day one about my affinity for dad jokes, so you can't say you haven't been warned. When hive member priyathescientist commented on my last post asking if we were now a bicycle, I died laughing and went to a heaven filled with bears on unicycles, fat men slipping on banana peels, and other amusing things.

All photos by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

Our speech bubbles are facing the wrong way. We fail, again.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: two wheels indeed became one. Or we became a bicycle, or whatever. The Unicycles are married! And it was, to put it eloquently yet concisely, friggin' awesome. Our amazing, wonderful, too-good-to-be-true photographer got our pics back to us before I had even wrapped my mind around the wedding being over. We returned from our honeymoon, celebrated our nation's freedom a bit, moved into our new pad in Milwaukee, and all of a sudden our wedding pics are here! We don't even have internet service yet :(



Remember how I couldn't sleep the night before the wedding because I was overtaken with fear at the thought of walking down the aisle while everyone looked at me? It lasted well into the ceremony:

As soon as I got into the vestibule and saw how many guests there were I was like "oh SHIT." Except it was church, so I really went "oh DANG."

Then I freaked out a little bit, but my dad made some dad jokes for me so I'd stop dry heaving.

I got through the ceremony okay, and I got the dramatic kiss photo I wanted!

Pretty much all of my wedding day predictions came true. Except the candy buffet backdrop didn't fall over, to my knowledge, but it did look pretty bangin'.

My bridesmaids also looked pretty bangin' in matching shades that I bought at the last minute, two days before the wedding.

The day was full of so much laughter, so many smiles, and so many amazing, warm/fuzzy feelings. I wish I could get married to Mr. Unicycle every day.

I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all, as they say.

Yes, our last dance was everything I dreamed it would be, and then some. Drunken swaying, sweaty dancing, cheering--the works.

I spent the day kissing this hottie, and now I even get to live with him. Being married rocks.

 a couple of BAMFs

Hopefully I'll be back with regular recaps soon. I don't have a question to ask at the end of the post...er, how are things with you?

Two Wheels Become One

Today I get married.

Mr. Unicycle and I started dating 5 and a half years ago. We decided to get married 5 years ago. I started dreaming about our wedding 4 years ago, and I started planning it 15 moths ago. All of the planning (from napkin rings and candy buffets to dreaming about the future and imagining our first kiss) has finally come to an end. I was always afraid I'd be sad when my wedding planning came to an end, but luckily it concludes with a wedding and the beginning of a marriage, 2 things I'll gladly accept over wedding planning. 

 

our first pic as a couple back in 2007

I'm lying in a hotel room surrounded by my bridesmaids, paper flowers, yellow dresses, and lots of tulle. I only slept about 4 hours last night, and I'm hoping I can get through the day on adrenaline. Remember how I was feeling kind of numb earlier this week? Yeah, that went away. I am full-on nervous as hell right now. I don't know what I'm even nervous about. I don't care if our timeline gets screwed up or if our photobooth backdrop continues to look like garbage. I've been ready to marry Mr. Unicycle for 5 years, and I'm more ready than ever right now.

But last night as I attempted to fall asleep, I had visions of walking down the aisle with all eyes on me, and I went into panic mode. I never expected to feel so sick on my wedding morning. I'd rather be weeping at the friggin poignancy of the event, but alas, instead I'm clutching my stomach in fear.

I know that by the time my mom gets here I'll feel better, and I'll get through the ceremony and just relax at the reception. But right now, all I can think is that I wish I were seeing Mr. Unicycle before my walk down the aisle :(

 

I mean, come on. He's hot.

But enough of that serious stuff! Here are my wedding day predictions:

• I won't cry walking down the aisle, but I will break out into hives.
• No one will be able to hear me when I say the vows.
• My candy buffet backdrop will probably fall over, but someone will prop it back up.
• I'll end up a 2-shoe bride after all and switch to my beat up Walmart flats at the reception. 
• Our first dance will feel really, really long as we do the Jr. High sway, so we'll resort to whispering "poop" into each others' ears to make each other laugh.
• I'll be overwhelmed with all of the love and support I feel today and will probably end up inexplicably bawling tomorrow night while wailing "I'm not even sad!"
• Today I will become a wife to my favorite person in the whole entire world.

Since I'm gettin' hitched and honeymooned in the next few days, who knows when I'll be rollin' back on into the hive, so in my absence, since I know you'll all miss me dearly, here are some gems you may have missed

• Remember the first time I rolled on into the hive?
• Physics class romance: sparks fly across the bunsen burner! Oh wait, that's Chemistry...sparks fly across the...equations!
• Speaking of equations--don't worry, none of our guests have to do math at our reception. But they can if they want to!
• I felt pretty dang ugly when I started planning this shindig. Then I became original Barbie and I'm not so worried anymore.
• Can we all just take a moment to appreciate that colored tights are both in style and widely available?
• I bought my dress on Etsy like a BAMF. Everyone said it was a bad idea, so I did a few "I told ya so's" when it turned out to be friggin awesome.
• I cried at a Fancy Feast commercial and a sexist Folgers commercial.
• Celebrities suck at marriage. Also, Russel Brand has crazay eyez.
•  Sometimes proposals aren't all sunshine and rainbows...dun dun dun! AKA Unicycle gets dramatic.
• We time traveled to 1988 to reminisce about poofy sleeves et al.
• I peed in the men's room, among other offenses.

Now that I've written this post, I'm feeling a lot better. So thanks, hive, for once again making my wedding planning journey a whole lot better. And now, it's time for me to hop on the ol' unicycle and ride off to weddingland. I'll see you on the other side!

4 Ways to Feel the Week Before Your Wedding

I'm one week away from MY SPECIAL DAY and I'm feeling...normal. I always assumed I'd be one giant ball of stress and nerves the week before my wedding, one emoticonless-vendor-email away from a total Godzilla style city rampage (on that note: vendors should seriously be using smileys in their emails to me these days. It hurts my feelings otherwise. Or at least throw an exclamation point in there. It's the least you can do). Mrs. Turkey didn't become a manic nutjob the week before her wedding, but I assumed I would, considering I have been since I got engaged. Instead, I'm feeling a little like this right now:

Personal pic

Cool as a m*****f****** CUCUMBER!

There are 4 possible ways I expected to feel during this week:

1. Stressed out:

 

Personal pic

This is how I've felt for pretty much the past 15 months. If you recall, I made practically the most ridonkulous wedding google doc ever to organize my wedding planning efforts, and this to do timeline has been driving me crazy since early 2011.

I expected to feel extremely stressed out the week before my wedding, but truthfully, I have nothing left on my to do list. It's all done. I'm even starting to get a little stressed out about how not stressed I am. And I legit watched 3 straight hours of television the other day. WHAT. Isn't there something I need to be doing right now??

2. Emotional:

 

Personal pic

I've been a great big ball of emotion since Mr. Unicycle put a ring on it. I cried at a Fancy Feast commercial AND a Folgers commercial, I watched several Hallmark Christmas movies un-ironically, and I tear up at work when Landslide comes on the radio. But the other day (I shit you not) I decided I felt like crying--it hadn't happened in a while, and I thought I was due for a crying sesh. So I turned on our first dance song, pictured myself swaying with Mr. Unicycle, and...nothing. Can I haz tearz plz??? I'm fresh out of emotions.

3. Excited beyond belief:

 

Personal pic

Oo-ah, oo-ah! / eyyyyyy!

Excitement is another feeling I've had a lot throughout my wedding planning journey. Every time I think about walking up the aisle as Mr. and Mrs. or backin' dat ass up on the dance floor at my reception, I am overcome with Nintendo 64 style excitement.

 

But I've conditioned myself to keep in mind that the wedding is really far away, and to keep my excitement in check. However, the wedding is really not far away anymore, and I just cannot fathom that it's happening next weekend. When did this happen??

4. Nervous:

 

Personal pic

I know what you're thinking: this photo looks more like constipation than nervousness. I assure you, it was not constipation.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm nervous. I didn't even think to be nervous until they all asked me that. I was so focused on my to do list that the thought literally never crossed my mind that I'm going to have all eyes on me pretty much all day. What if my 5 inch heel gets caught on the aisle runner? What if I pick a wedgie and it's caught on video? What if I spill a drink on myself like a sloppy drunk? Even as I type these questions, my heart rate is not increasing. I can't even make myself nervous by thinking about the worst case scenarios. Who cares if I trip and fall? It's my special friggin' day. I can honestly say I'm not nervous at all.

It's probably a good thing that I don't feel overly stressed, emotional, excited, or nervous. After all, I'm not having any problems sleeping or eating, and I'm not feeling sick with nerves.

But in the week leading up to this momentous event, it would be nice to feel a little bit like I'm about to embark on the first day of the rest of my life or something. Instead of, well, this:

 

Personal pic

How did you feel in the last few weeks before your wedding? How do you expect you'll be feeling? June brides: How are you feeling right now?? Anyone else completely numb?

Gifts Gifts Gifts Gifts Gifts

(The title is a weak attempt at quoting How the Grinch Stole Christmas.)

When it came time to decide what to gift the bridesmaids with, I started by thinking about what I would personally like to receive as a bridesmaid. Similar to wedding favors, bridesmaid gifts seem kind of pointless to me sometimes, and I couldn't think of a whole hell of a lot that I would be jonesing for if I were a bridesmaid. But I'm not a complete bitch--I still want to get them gifts! After all, this is my way of thanking them for doing my bidding, traveling to my shower/bachelorette party bonanza, and listening to me drone on and on about my friggin special day for over a year. Really I should be giving them salaries.

After thinking for a while (quite the task, at this point), I decided that if I were going to be in someone's wedding, I would love to be beautified for the big day. However, most of my bridesmaids have short hair and are hair control freaks, so I assumed they wouldn't want me to hire hair stylists for them (side note: I thought wrong. All four of them made their own hair appointments). Instead, I decided to throw a manicure party for them the day before the wedding. I admit this was partly selfish of me since I wanted to opportunity to attend a manicure party myself. Since a manicure isn't a tangible gift, I made these little cards for them instead, which I showed you earlier:

 

Again, the "e" fell off of the dark pink one, but it has since been replaced.

I've been wanting to go to this one fancy salon by my house since I was a little girl, so we're having the manicures done there. I'm not even sure how fancy of a salon it is, since pretty much everything seems fancy to me, but I hope my bridesmaids are equally as unsophisticated.

I was a little worried about not having anything to present them with at the rehearsal dinner, so I also got each of the girls a bottle of wine. I tried to pick something personalized for each girl, but since I am unsophisticated (see previous paragraph) I mostly just judged the wine based on the art on the bottles.

 

I found these chevron bags in the dollar section at Target, so if you're throwing a chevron wedding, get it grl.

Next up, the groomsmen. I tried to come up with quirky, nontraditional gifts for the guys, but it turned out that Mr. Unicycle already knew what he wanted to give. And since the gifts are from him anyway, I agreed. We ended up getting these gray and white polka dot ties from Etsy seller MeandMatilda:

 

Image via MeandMatilda on Etsy

We also found these cool typewriter key cufflinks on Etsy, and we bought cufflinks in each groomsman's initials:

 

Image via Philipapipa on Etsy

 We opted for simple gift cards for the parents, and we classed it up by taking a page out of Mole's book:

 

Yeah, this photo sucks. It started raining as soon as we took this, and Mr. U wanted to get his camera inside. We figured it didn't matter too much since it's just a placeholder anyway. I love how the thought bubble isn't even coming out of his head. FAIL.

I wrapped all the gifts in polka dot wrapping paper and made some yellow bows using the tutorial on How About Orange.

 

I've run out of space for wedding stuff, so these live on my bookshelf.

What would you like to receive as a gift if you were a bridesmaid, groomsman, or parent? Did you take that into account when you chose your thank you gifts?

My Photobooth Backdrop is Literally Garbage

A while ago, I told you of my ambitions to create a Great Wall of Flowers to use as our photobooth backdrop. Creating this wall of paper flowers has been a goal of mine for several years (I aim high). I'm not sure why, since there is literally no reason to own a wall of paper flowers other than to use as a photobooth backdrop. Nevertheless, this flower wall became one of those wedding things that you just have to have, yet you never actually have, and you still survive. Sorry for getting your hopes up, hive. But there will be no wall o' flowers from me. If you're sad that you're not looking at hot pics of flower walls right now, get a load of Mrs. Moonbeam's wall:

Image via Mrs. Moonbeam on Weddingbee

Okay, now back to me. One of the other inspiration photos I shared with you involved hanging random stands of junk from the top of the backdrop frame and calling it a day. This sounded much more doable to me. The inspiration picture looks like this:

Image via Ruche

So I got to work hanging junk from the top of a PVC pipe, and this is what became of my living room as a result:

I originally wanted all the junk to be white because A) it would not be too distracting in the photos (since the people are what you really want to see) and B) monochrome looks so much more profesh. Unfortunately, I had to add some yellow into the mix because A) I had a bunch of yellow junk lying around that would otherwise go unused and B) I was too lazy to make enough white junk to hang along our incredibly long backdrop. I'll try to stop saying "junk" now. 

Note: This is only the top half of backdrop, which is why it looks like it was made for shawties. In reality, it will be more of a square (it's enormous) and the things hanging from it will not pool on the floor.

I started with hanging coffee filter garlands, strips of white fabric, strands of knotted tulle, and fringed streamers. Soon, I realized I didn't have nearly enough supplies to finish this bad boy. That's when I started hanging the yellow mobiles and paint chip garlands. Finally, I enlisted the help of the two moms and made strands of those 3D paper snowflake things.

Image via Betz White

(Side note: What in the hell are those things called? I had a lot of trouble explaining to the moms what I wanted them to help me make.)

I still didn't feel as though the process was quite finished, so in a moment of bridal insanity, I glued Crate & Barrel packing material to the frame. Literally garbage. You can't really see any of it in my pictures, but this girl's wearing a dress made of the stuff, so I guess I'm not the only one to craft with it:

Image via TruStudio Design

To finish it all off, I grabbed an old, white sheet and hung it behind everything else, tying it with ribbon (also taken from Crate & Barrel packaging) every few inches.

This isn't the official reveal post because, let's be honest, it looks like garbage. While we're being honest, it is garbage. But I am confident that, once it's all set up and photographed by a professional, it will look amazing. And that's when I'll do an official reveal of my DIY backdrop. 

What do you think? Crafting with garbage: resourceful, or Miss Unicycle has gone off the deep end?

Behind the Candy

Remember a few posts ago when I hung a bunch of decorations from my ceiling and took pictures while my dad watched in dismay, and I said I didn't know what I was actually going to do with any of it? Well, hive, I've figured it out! I was originally thinking of hanging stuff from the ceiling. I thought it would give the venue that wow factor I'd been looking for. The venue was going to charge us $75 to hang things from the ceiling since they have to move ceiling tiles around. At first I was all for it--after all, it is my special friggin day. But then I thought about it: I'm going to pay $75 to hang scraps of paper from the ceiling? Um, no. I'll keep my money.

Instead, I did this:



This, my friends, is the backdrop to my candy buffet! I know I don't need a backdrop for my candy buffet (and I frankly wish I hadn't had to make one since it's was kind of a nightmare), but since I didn't know what I was going to use those pom pom things and paint chip garlands for, I decided to make it. The actual frame was an engineering feat far beyond my skill set. I started by sliding wrapping paper rolls onto paper towel holders that were stood on their side. You know, these things:

Image via Target

Except mine is white plastic and from the dollar section.

I wrapped the wrapping paper tubes in yellow paper, then hung everything from the two poles. It promptly collapsed. My grandma suggested I use a curtain rod across the top to stabilize it. You know, these things:

Image via Plumber Surplus

She actually brought me one to use, and it worked! I'll never doubt my grandma again. To make it sturdy, I attached everything with exorbitant amounts of scotch tape, hot glue, and glue dots. I also wrapped the corners in white ribbon to make it look less...awful.

Photoshoot time! So magestic! So glorious! So artsy crafty!

Note scraps of fabric all over my kitchen floor. Foreshadowing for my next post!  

 

As a reminder, here is all the candy I'll be providing and here's a mock-up of my candy buffet, although I have since acquired a few more glass containers:

This is actually a terrible mock-up. Why did I think I could get an accurate idea a full year before the actual wedding? Overzealous much?

But what am I going to do with the rest of the junk I made? Namely, this:

Stay tuned to find out!

Would you make a backdrop for your candy buffet? Do you think mine will fall over during the reception? Let's take bets now! And what do you think I used the other garlands for? Any guesses?

My Adventures in Pinup Swimwear

It's no secret that I love retro style. My bachelorette party was pinup themed, by wedding will have a bit of retro flair to it, and my wedding dress and hairstyle will be retro-inspired. I just can't get enough of polka dots, classic silhouettes, and retro glamour. When Mr. Unicycle and I booked our honeymoon in sunny Punta Cana, I realized I should probably buy a new swimsuit. I only own one swimsuit because I hate going swimsuit shopping, but I wanted to bring at least 2 with me, in case one was still wet when I wanted to go swimming again.

Since I 1) love retro style and 2) have some junk in da trunk, I figured a pinup style swimsuit would be the best bet. The only problem? I'm a cheapskate. For some reason, women's swimsuits, especially retro ones, are really expensive. I'm used to buying cheap ones at Target and Old Navy, but they never make me feel very good about my bod. I started at Mod Cloth, but I couldn't justify the $90 price tag:

Image via Mod Cloth

Then I found Unique Vintage and Pinup Girl Clothing, but both were sadly still out of my price range.

Image via Unique Vintage

Image via Pinup Girl Clothing

I almost splurged on this adorable bikini I found on Etsy, but Mr. Unicycle talked me out of it :(

Image via MySugarDoll on Etsy

When I saw this bikini on Target's website, I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Then I realized it wasn't for sale...anywhere. One of my BMs works for Target Corporate, and even she couldn't help me out.

Image via Target

At this point, I was feeling down in the dumps, thinking I'd have to forgo my dreams of frolicking on the beaches of Punta Cana in a polka dotted number. But then I came across Beverly Swimwear. These have to be the most inexpensive retro swimsuits on the entire internet.

Image via Beverly Swimwear

Mr. Unicycle thought the cutout was weird on this one, but I thought it was cute!

Image via Beverly Swimwear

I don't like the green color of this, but I love the shape.

And so, hive, I ended up ordering one. That's right, the girl who hates trying on swimsuits and has tried on 50 swimsuits in a single day without buying anything, bought one off the internet without trying it on. I did the same thing with my wedding dress too. I must be nuts.

I ended up ordering the green one pictured above, but I chose a different fabric. Beverly has a list of different fabrics you can choose from, and I chose the red and white polka dots:

Image via Beverly Swimwear

It took a while for the swimsuit to get to my house (good thing I ordered it with months to spare!) but it was worth the wait! Check it out:

Personal pic

I feel weird posting swimsuit pics of myself on the internet, so I removed my face to protect the innocent.

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It's extremely hard to photograph your own ass.

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Ahh, there we go.

Personal pic

No, I am not with child. I am with sandwich.

Here's where I need your help! I would like to buy a bikini (like the Target one shown above, not a skimpy one!) but I'm still on a budget! Does anyone know where I can get a pinup-ish bikini for under $50? I'll love you forever...