Monday, December 31, 2012

Two Wheels Become One: Tying the Knot

Our priest started off our ceremony with an opening prayer and a speech about how our decision to get married was a "gutsy move," a "huge act of faith," and "a bad case of the warm fuzzies." I can't/don't want to transcribe his whole speech, but he basically just said we wouldn't be here without being taught by our friends and families how to love, and that we had no idea what was in store for us in the future (because we are young, naive, and stupid, basically. Again, I'm paraphrasing). You can hear this poignant speech in our video if you so desire. We had Mr. Unicycle's brother/Best Man do the first reading, then there was a responsorial psalm, and then my cousin did the second reading. Next was the gospel and homily. We don't have a written copy of the ceremony, and out wedding video is edited so I can't provide a word-for-word script, but that would be boring anyway. We didn't get to choose most of what was said; we chose from a few options for readings, but that was it. Instead, enjoy the pics!

Our guests looked solemn/bored.

Our piano man played on!

More solemnity!

I did gank the wording for the vows and statement of intent from our video for you:
Priest: Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
Unicycles: I have.
Priest: Will you love each other as husband and wife for the rest of your lives?
Unicycles: I will.
Priest: Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his church? 
Unicycles: I will [but hopefully not for a loooooooong time].

Next, we exchanged vows.
Priest: Do you, Chris, take Karisa to be your wife? Do you promise to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Will you love her and honor her all the days of your life? 
Mr. Unicycle: I will.
Priest: Karisa, will you take Chris to be your husband, promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Will you love him and honor him all the days of your life? 
Mrs. Unicycle: I will.

Up next, we finish up the ceremony and I get pissy. 

Do you think our decision to get married was a bad case of the warm fuzzies?

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Two Wheels Become One: Don't Trip, Don't Trip!

While I was freaking out in the vestibule, our ceremony was just beginning. We chose the classic "Canon in D" for our parents and wedding party to come down the aisle to. I decided to go as classic as possible for the ceremony, because I liked the idea of having a stereotypical, quintessential ceremony that was the same as the kind I'd performed for Barbie and Ken growing up. Also, I once butchered "Canon in D" at a piano recital, so this gave me some closure on that horrifying experience.

Personal pic
Let's all take a moment to be thankful this outfit and these glasses don't exist anymore.

First down the aisle were Mr. Unicycle's parents, followed by my mom escorted by my little brother. Fun fact: At the rehearsal, for some reason the church coordinator kept telling him that he was "just an usher" even though he was a groomsman, and I think he started to feel a little bad about himself. So now I constantly remind him that he's "just an usher" whenever he's annoying me.

When the mothers got to the front, they lit the candles we'd use for our unity candle ceremony later on.

Next up came the bridesmaids and groomsmen. My maid of honor had to walk alone because the priest wanted the best man to be standing at the altar with Mr. Unicycle already, for "moral support," I guess.

Then the music changed to "Here Comes the Bride." (I told you we went traditional!) Everyone stood up, and my dad and I began our walk toward Mr. Unicycle. I'd like to say I focused on him the whole time, and my freakout dissipated like sands through the hourglass or something, but I'll be real: I was still freaking out for the first half of my walk. I remembered to smile about halfway down. Mr. Unicycle seemed amused at my tears.

I was very relieved by the time I got to the front, partly because the scary walk was over, and partly because Mr. Unicycle has that affect on me. He's basically the human Xanax. I had to make this collage of The Many Faces of Mr. Unicycle. What a friggin' hottie. I can't stand it.

When we got to the end of the aisle, my mom stood up so she and my dad could both give me away. My dad flipped my veil (we had practiced this ad nauseum because I was so sure he would screw it up, as dads are wont to do), then he and my mom kissed me, and he placed my hand in Mr. Unicycle's hand.

And we headed to the front of the church to begin the riveting ceremony!

What do you think will be going through your head during your walk down the aisle? Will you have tunnel vision, or will you be nervous like me?

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Two Wheels Become One: The Freakout Part 2

I promise I wasn't forced into marrying Mr. Unicycle, though my photos tell another story.

If Adele can have snot during her Grammy speech, so can I on my wedding day!
Also for some reason I thought people couldn't see me behind the veil. But you clearly can.

I was a nervous wreck the night before the wedding, all the way up to the ceremony. Why? It wasn't because I was afraid our cocktail hour would be rained out or our guests wouldn't use our guestbook, or some other detail would go wrong. It wasn't because I was having second thoughts about marrying Mr. Unicycle (I mean really, how could I?).

I'd marry this guy even if I'd never met him before!

I was worried because I didn't want everyone looking at me as I walked down the aisle. I don't know why this scared me so much, but the image of all those people staring at me haunted my dreams, and when the wedding party and I headed upstairs to get lined up in the vestibule, I saw that very image in real life.

This photo still scares me. I wanted to pull a Christina Aguilera/Damian from Mean Girls and say "Don't look at me!"

As I exited the elevator and saw this I was all "ohhh shiiiit."

Everyone else was oblivious.

The waiting in the vestibule was unbearable. I started breathing really quickly and shaking, but everyone else was laughing and joking around without a care in the world.

And then all of a sudden, I burst into tears. Not the slow, mournful kind like when you're watching The Christmas Shoes and the little boy puts those fugly shoes on his mother's feet. It was the face-contortion-with-monster-wails kind of crying, like this:

I would have done anything to have seen Mr. Unicycle right before my walk down the aisle, but that would have defeated the purpose of not having a first look. My dad stepped in for consoling duties, and he was pretty good. He told a few dad jokes, which seemed to do the trick.
Of course my dad was amused at his daughter's anguish.

This is probably how he looked at me when I refused to eat my creamed corn as a baby too.

My maid of honor inquired about my condition and--get this--she and my dad made fun of me. On my SPESHUL DAY!

This is one of my favorite photos, because it looks like my dad is getting emotional about his only daughter growing up, moving on, etc. But no, he's mocking me.
What a jokester.

After I wiped my snot away, a la Adele, the others headed down the aisle and I focused on not passing out.

And we were off!

Did you have to wipe any snot away on your wedding day? Be honest; you're in good company! And if you're not married yet, are you dreading the walk down the aisle, or are you excited for it?

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Two Wheels Become One: Going to the Chapel

When we left off, the girls and I hammed it up outside the hotel for a while, and the men hammed it up and did manly things inside a different hotel. I assume they headed to the church in various vehicles after their hamming was done, but again, I wasn't actually there.

After our hamming was done, I announced that it was time to hit the limo! Then I looked left, right, left again, and said, "uh...where's the limo?" It was supposed to arrive at a specific time, which had actually already passed, and I had been a little worried during the photo session that we were making the guy wait confusedly. But I need not worry, because he was not there, waiting around confusedly; he was driving around about 45 minutes away, confusedly.

If you recall (you probably don't, since I wrote this back in July--do you even recall who I am??), we had changed the pick up location for the limo driver, but he had decided not to listen to us or something. (Side note: I wasn't pissed about it at the time, because I figured it was just an honest mistake. But it would have been nice to get a little discount sumpin' sumpin' out of the deal, considering he didn't actually drive us for the allotted time we paid for...I won't link to the company's website, but needless to say, they don't have very good reviews online, and I wish I had thought to check there before.)

I got on the phone with Mr. Unicycle's dad, who informed me about the mix-up, and told him to deck the guy real good when he saw him. Then I turned to my own dad and said "Let's take the truck!" My dad was going to drive himself to the church in his pickup truck, so I figured we'd let him take the bride too. Even then I was thinking "this could make a good story. I actually love the idea of arriving at the church in a pickup truck." So we did!

I made sure to duck down in my seat as we rolled up, and we snuck in the side entrance to hide in the basement. Meanwhile, our guests were greeting each other in the vestibule:

And pinning getting their homemade boutonnieres and corsages pinned to them against their will.

Mr. Unicycle's cousins handed out the programs I labored over.

Meanwhile, the bridesmaids, my parents, and I waited nervously in the church basement. Well, I waited nervously. Everyone else was going about their day having a grand old time, anticipating the open bar and dance party. Meanwhile, I was shitting bricks (can you say "shitting bricks" in a church basement? Okay fine. I was shitting rocks.) 

Guest photo

The church I got married at is connected to the school I went to for Kindergarten through 8th grade, so I have many memories in that basement, which served as our gymnasium, cafeteria, AND auditorium--we liked to get our money's worth. I was a little bit overcome with emotion as I looked around, remembering 7th grade lunch gossip, 3rd grade parachute games (those seriously rock), 2nd grade talent shows, my 8th grade graduation, etc. I even had my Girl Scout meetings in this basement (actually, my old Girl Scout leader took the above and below guest photo!), and one time we saw a bride about to get married upstairs in the church, and all the Girl Scouts suddenly went wedding crazy and started drawing our future wedding dresses. Everything in my childhood happened in this basement, and now here I was dressed as a bride, ready to get married upstairs. 

Guest photo
I think my mom was getting nervous too. Her flower was also trying to jump ship boob.

Meanwhile, Mr. Unicycle and his brother waited at the altar for what seemed like forever to him. He told me later that he thought I was running late (I would never!). He didn't consider the fact that I may have gotten cold feet or become a runaway bride, so I realized I need to work harder at keeping him on his toes. 

...Suave. sigh he is so hot.

How do you think you'll feel the moments before you walk down the aisle? Is your husband/fiance Rico Suave too?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Signature Scent: Hairspray

Hey hive! I have an announcement to make!
That's right! I'm PREGNANT! Just kidding. I got a haircut. Equally important news though. This is only tangentially wedding related, but I just had to post about it for reasons you'll discover further down.

Throughout my life I've vacillated between long hair and short hair. I love dramatic haircuts, like Mrs. Mink, and I also am just too lazy to get my ass to a hair salon more than biennially. Once in high school a girl said to me, "I love your haircut!! Did you donate it?" And I was forced to say, ", actually. My hair was just dropped to the floor, swept aside and thrown out with the trash. But thanks for making me feel like an asshole."

So that's why, for the past six years, I've been growing my hair long, cutting it short, and donating my ponytails. I don't think I'm God's gift to kids with cancer or anything--I realize donating time, money, or blood would be far more helpful, but I do it because I'd be getting my hair cut anyway (and there's no way I'm ever voluntarily having needles poked into me. Sorry).

Unfortunately, it appears that I have a bit of a Benjamin Buttons situation going on, and I actually look younger than ever now. What. The. Hell.

If you're curious, I donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths in 2006 and 2012, and Locks of Love in 2008 and 2010.

So why is this wedding related? Isn't it a bit late for me to be posting about a PWC? Firstly, Mr. Unicycle asked me if I'd be blogging about my haircut. I told him no, probably not. 

He said, "You're not going to write a post about your Post-Wedding Chop?"

And I said "How the hell did you know it was called that??"

And he said, "There's actually a name for it? I just made that up."

I said, "Of course there's a name for it. There's an acronym for it too--PWC--which you probably could have guessed as well."

Additionally, like many bees, I bought a signature wedding scent to wear on my wedding day. I started scouting for it last November and fell in love with Versace Bright Crystal. Seriously, this stuff smells like...the best smell ever. I can't even compare it to anything. I recommend taking a big whiff next time you're in a department store.
Image via Sephora

Anyway, I cheaped out and bought it from one of those discount perfume stores in the mall where you have to haggle for the price. I'm a classy lady. Because of this, I'm pretty sure my bottle must be watered down because, despite dousing myself with it on my wedding day, I didn't smell it at all the whole day, and neither did Mr. Unicycle. So now when I smell this perfume, instead of being brought back to my SPECIAL DAY, I am inexplicably reminded of the day I went to the mall and haggled with a greasy salesman.

The scent that surprisingly does bring me back to my wedding day is the hairspray they use at Aveda salons! I had my updo done by an Aveda stylist, and I had my most recent haircut done at the Aveda Institute in Milwaukee (I highly recommend it, especially if you're cheap). I left the appointment smiling to myself as I was transported back to my wedding day. I asked Mr. Unicycle what the smell reminded him of, thinking he'd get a dreamy look in his eyes and say, "The day we promised to love each other forever..." or some crap. Instead he coughed and said, "Ughh that's that sick hairspray they used on you at the wedding!" He's a true romantic.

Are you getting a PWC? What about a signature scent?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Two Wheels Become One: Our Video

I interrupt these recaps to you bring you...our wedding video! Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on your browser speed and time commitment to this blog post) I don't have a quick 2 minute video to offer you. Instead, I present to you a 41 minute Unicyclestravaganza. To make it easier for you to participate in this one-of-a-kind viewing experience, here are some tips:

  • The password is unicycle
  • You may need to let it buffer for a bit, turn off HD (click on the little "HD" to turn it off), or watch it on a better computer (you know I'm worth it!).
  • My videographer suggests you cozy up with some popcorn.
  • I've included a play-by-play below so you know which parts to watch and which to skip, or so this post isn't completely pointless to you if you can't watch the video. I'm not going to go into great detail in this post, since that would spoil my future recaps, for which you're currently all on the edges of your various seats.
Without further ado, your new favorite movie:

C & K Documentary from Hendzel Productions on Vimeo.


  • 00:28 Watch my dad's unemotional "first look." Even more riveting than the photo documentation.
  • 00:39 Drinking game: take a shot every time I/someone else fixes my veil!
  • 00:48 We were peer pressured into making the duck face. I claim innocence.
  • 1:14 Fake laugh alert
  • 2:42 I look miserable as I walk down the aisle, both because I can't walk in my shoes and because I'm being led to my DOOM. Just kidding. But doesn't it look that way?
  • 2:51 "Oh yeah, people are looking at you. You should smile. Chronic bitch face be damned! Can I think the word 'bitch' in church? What about 'damned?'"
  • 3:48 The priest calls our relationship a "bad case of the warm fuzzies." Feel free to skip.
  • 7:33 The vows
  • 9:30 The rings
  • 10:32 The unity candle, our nod to General Hospital.
  • 11:14 Don't watch this part because it's awkward. But if you must, it's our awkward first kiss. And I cringe seeing it.
  • 11:30 The music starts up again. Boring family pics. Don't watch unless you're fully committed to internet stalking me. 
  • 12:26 Wedding party pics
  • 12:44 Will they go in the fountain?
  • 12:51 Yes, they will.
  • 13:07 We kiss in a field, as we do.
  • 13:38 Wedding party entrances. This is a must-watch.
  • 15:48 Who knew the cake cutting could be more awkward than our first kiss? Watch us attack the cake like wild animals, then smear the frosting to kingdom come and laugh about what savages we are. Okay it's not that funny. I'm setting you up for disappointment.
  • 17:12 I love how I slink away and grab the cake slyly at the end. I wasn't about to let that bad boy go uneaten.
  • 17:15 The MOH speech
  • 18:20 She says I have a "sweet, sunny personality." ???
  • 20:27 If you listen closely, the end of her speech is from Titanic. Note all the girls at the head table dying laughing.
  • 21:02 Best Man speech
  • 21:29 Requisite joke about Mr. Unicycle's hairline
  • 24:21 My dad's speech
  • 26:13 My favorite dad joke of the whole speech. Kudos, dad.
  • 27:15 My dad laughs louder than anyone else at his own "whore in church" line.
  • 29:21 The first dance. Pretty boring and standard. You should skip.
  • 32:38 Father daughter dance. Ditto.
  • 36:00 My dad said he was going to dip me at the end, and I went for it too early.
  • 36:16 When it's actually time to dip, I don't realize that I have to maintain some kind of support for my own body weight, so I fling myself backward and do an impromptu trust fall. Luckily my dad was on the ball, even a few beers in.
  • 36:25 Mother son dance.
  • 38:33 Several minutes of drunk people dancing like there's no tomorrow/videographer.

If you're on the fence about having a videographer, I say DO IT. Everyone told me it would be a waste of money and I'd never watch the video, but they obviously underestimated my narcissism. Plus, I've wanted a wedding video ever since I saw Mrs. Kitten's video post, which brought me to tears even though I don't know her at all (seriously what is wrong with me? Am I going through menopause?)

If you're in the Chicago area, I highly recommend Hendzel Productions. They were very affordable, easy to work with, and they stayed out of the way while still capturing all of the important shots. I also liked that their video cameras looked like still cameras, so guests weren't aware they were being videotaped. How else could we have gotten such priceless dancing footage??

Did you/will you have a videographer? What was your favorite part of our video (if you watched it)? If you didn't watch it, what was your favorite part about not watching it?