Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Marriage Surprises

You'd think after dating Mr. Unicycle for the past 5.5 years, nothing would be able to surprise me any more. You'd be wrong. I've been settling into marital bliss quite easily, but my new life has come with a few surprises, both about Mr. Unicycle and about marriage in general. (Note: I included barely applicable pics from our wedding to illustrate this post. I promise real recaps are coming soon. I just need to get myself organized first.)

For instance, I never knew how difficult it was to get Mr. Unicycle out the door in the morning, or any time really. It's always the same scene: I'm waiting by the door with purse-on-shoulder and key-in-hand while he runs around the apartment grabbing his lunch bag and searching for his sunglasses, yelling "Come on, let's go! We're gonna be late!" And I'm all "Dude, I've been waiting by the door for a literal year."

To get back at him for making me wait around, I give husband getting down with his bad self.

Mr. Unicycle is also much more mature and adult than I am, and I'm realizing now that I've been lying to myself and to you all about what stage of life I'm in. Hive: I'm Mrs. Unicycle, and I'm still a child. Seriously, Mr. U actually cares about things like making sure we don't have too many plugs in one outlet, and he's planning on making us wash the sheets some time soon. He also seems genuinely concerned when chunks of food slip down the drain. At what point in life does shit like this start crossing your mind?? Meanwhile I'm Amelia Bedelia-ing like I own the place.

I danced like I owned the place too

I'm also pleasantly surprised that a queen bed really is big enough for two people to sleep comfortably in. When we tested it out at the mattress store I admit I had my doubts. I like to sprawl across the bed like I own the place (I like to pretend I own lots of places) and I didn't think there was enough mattress for the both of us. So far though, I haven't had any trouble. I do plan on gaining about 300 pounds in the next decade though, so we'll probably need to upgrade eventually.

Sprawlin' like a villain.

Since moving in with the Mr., I've hardly spent any money compared to my bachelorette days. This could be because I don't have to make regular trips to Michael's for wedding projects, but I also think it's because spending time with my husband is so enjoyable that I don't need to spend money to enjoy life. We cook dinner at home almost every night and entertain ourselves by staring lovingly into each others' eyes...No but seriously, hanging out with Mr. U every evening is free fun. I wish you all had this luxury.

Now that I'm an old married lady, I have no life. Again, this may have more to do with the fact that I don't have a wedding to plan anymore, plus I just moved to a new place and got a new job and stopped working out. So everything I used to do in my free time doesn't exist anymore. What do married people do, besides staring lovingly into each others' eyes and washing their linens?

We don't have our Thursday night Jersey Shore dates anymore, and that makes us sad. 

What surprised you about getting married?

Friday, July 13, 2012

You Can Lead a Horse to Water...

...but you can't make it sign your guest book. Alternate title: Shit that Went Wrong on My Special Day.

Everyone says that stuff will go wrong at your wedding, and you need to be prepared and just take it in stride because at the end of the day, you'll be married and that's all that matters, blah blah blah. (Yeah, if that was all that mattered, why am I spending tens of thousands of dollars on this event? Why do I have a Google doc for it? Why does this blog exist?) But I digress as usual.

I was all "nothing will go wrong at my wedding!" I mean, how could it? I'd planned out every last detail, distributed The Packet to our wedding party and vendors, packed all of our reception stuff into neatly organized and labeled boxes, and even provided the venue with a friggin powerpoint with photos and bullet points of how to set everything up. And like I said, I had a Google doc.

 Personal pic
A sneak peak at the powerpoint

But of course, lots of things didn't go according to plan, and I'm here to tell you that, as someone who really did give too many shits about wedding stuff, none of it mattered the day of the wedding. I know, it sounds cliche. And granted, none of the things that went wrong with my wedding were actually Major Probs anyway. Here's what went wrong:
  1. Problem: The second shooter didn't show up on time to the groomsmen's photo location. This was entirely, 100% my fault. We had to change the time and location of the men's gathering at the last minute, and while I managed to inform the groomsmen and parents about the change, I neglected to tell the photographer. Solution: the men hung out in the lobby of a swanky hotel for a while doing manly things and then got slightly fewer pictures than they otherwise would have.

  2. Problem: My makeup artist couldn't find the false eyelash glue she brought. I wasn't about to spend my wedding day with real eyelashes (joking! {Okay, I'm not joking. At all.}) so I was a little worried. My mom had actually had nightmares about this very thing happening, and had embarrassed me by calling the salon repeatedly to remind them that we wanted false eyelashes (she really wasn't about to spend my wedding day with real eyelashes). Solution: The bridesmaids had all left to get their hair done, and they stopped to pick up some glue from Walgreens on their way back to the hotel.

    Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography
    And just look at those bad boyz. I couldn't have made it down the aisle without them.

  3. Problem: The limo never showed up at the hotel to transport the bridesmaids, my parents, and me to the church. My FIL called me to inform me that the limo driver also hadn't gotten the memo about the change in groomsmen pickup location (though this one was not my fault!) and was currently about 45 minutes away. Solution: I hopped into my dad's pickup truck and rode to the church in style. My MOH was amused to observe my dad's and my twin road rage, and my mom drove the remaining ladies. 
  4. Problem: Only about 1/8 of our guests actually used the guest book I labored over. I had the DJ make an announcement about several things, including the guest book, candy buffet, and photobooth, but because the guest book was tucked away in a back corner of the room, most people never got around to it. Solution: Go through these 13 steps and get over yourself.
  5. Problem: Similarly, I don't think anyone noticed the love quotes labels on the candy buffet that I was so proud of. The table was smaller than I had imagined, and the candy jars were a lot more numerous than I had imagined, which meant the buffet was cramped and the labels were hiding in the back. Solution: See #4.

    Guest photo
    I have photographic proof that at least one guest found them.

  6. Problem: My necklace broke while I was jumping around during Jump Around. (Note: I don't think they actually played this song, but for blogging purposes, let's say they did.) Solution: I put the necklace in my pocket (YES my dress had pockets!) and continued jumping. Unfortunately, everyone and their brother wanted to take selfies with me after the necklace broke. But I did manage to fix it the next day, should I ever need to get married in it again.

    Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography
    You know what could have made this photo better? Nothing. If I'd been wearing my necklace!

  7. Problem: Our sparkler sendoff was a shitshow. I purposely bought the 3-foot-long variety so they'd burn for 4 whole minutes, because the logistics of the sparkler sendoff kept me up at night. I'll go into more detail in recaps, but basically the only picture we have of us being sparkler-sent-off is this:

    Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

    When we got outside for the sendoff, it was basically just a cluster of drunk people waving nearly burnt out sparklers around, many having already abandoned theirs in the water bucket.

    Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

    Solution: Smile anyway and escape to the limo where you and your new husband can begin your new life together. (And be thankful that the limo actually showed up this time.)
    What went wrong on your wedding day? Or what do you anticipate might go wrong? Do you believe me that none of it will matter at the time?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

What to Do After the Wedding's Over

I quit my job a few days before the wedding and my new gig doesn't start for a few more days. I've basically been a childless stay at home mom for the past few days, and I don't really know what to do with myself. Without a high powered desk job and a wedding to plan, I am nothing but a child playing house and Amelia Bedelia-ing said house. Let me explain my history as Amelia Bedelia.

Image via Wikipedia

I lived with Mr. Unicycle for about 5 days in college because my 2 leases didn't line up back to back. During that time, I managed to completely destroy his entire apartment and apartment building (note: this blog post contains hyperbole). What started as spilling a few drops of coffee onto his bedspread culminated in a waterlogged living room, flooded bathroom, a suspicious trail of water leading to the basement laundry facilities, and about $10 wasted in coin-operated laundry machines. It was basically exactly like The Cat in the Hat. All Mr. Unicycle said when he got home was "why is my bedspread damp?"

So when it comes to household chores, I'm Amelia Bedelia. Or an anthropomorphic cat.

Image via Wikipedia
For your benefit, I chose the cartoon pic, not the Mike Myers horror film pic.

And yet, I'm the one in charge of organizing our wedding gifts and figuring out how to work the new appliances. You can see where this story is going--never let a child operate a brand new espresso maker unsupervised, even if the child has read the directions several times, and even if the child holds a college degree. Yes, steamed milk is currently...everywhere. And I'm blogging about it instead of cleaning.

Now that the world's longest intro is over, we can get to the real meat and potatoes of the post: what can I do with myself now that my wedding's over? I thrive on to do lists and can't comprehend that my wedding tasks are over, so I made another list. Here's the list I came up with. But keep in mind that, as I already pointed out, I'm choosing to blog about the list instead of actually accomplishing anything on it:

The List:
  1. Change my last name. I never blogged about my reasoning behind this because it was a boring reason. I'm married, so my last name is changing. I'm too lazy to consider alternatives. I found a good resource on The Knot about how to do so.
  2. Get new car insurance, a new drivers license, and new license plates. This is mostly because the Unicycles have never shacked up before (except those 5 fateful, apartment ruining days) and my car now lives in a new state. All 3 of these tasks are too boring to even think about.
  3. Thank you notes! I already ordered the photo we're using in our thank you post cards, and until they arrive, I really can't get started on this yet.

    Image via Jennifer Shaffer Photography
    We wanted to match the save the dates!

  4. Hit the bank. We need to merge our accounts and deposit the zillions of dollars in wedding gifts we got. Unfortunately, it's proving quite difficult to get to a bank that's actually open once Mr. Unicycle gets off work, let alone figuring out how to deposit a check with my future last name on it. Next time I give a check as a wedding gift I'm only writing the groom's name on it!
  5. Sell wedding stuff. Anyone want my centerpiece "vases?" I've got 19 for $4 a pop. I'll put up a listing in Classifieds eventually but again, I'm too lazy to actually do anything right now.

    Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography (cropped by me)

  6. Add my name to the utility bills, change my address for all of my own bills, and add myself to Mr. Unicycle's cell phone plan (I'm getting my first smart phone ever!).
  7. Choose photos for our wedding albums and order prints. I want to put some albums together for our parents in time for Christmas, plus we're getting a FREE album from our photographer (remember that anecdote?), PLUS we owe our parents some wedding photos. I also need to get organized to begin recaps for you guys.
  8. Review our wedding vendors. I want to do so out of the goodness of my heart, both to benefit the vendors we loved and future brides. However, there's the added incentive of a free Shutterfly photobook from The Knot if we review 5 there. I'm not even sure we had 5 vendors though.
  9. Get my dress dry cleaned. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my dress. I always said I'd try to sell it, but now I'm attached to it. Plus, it was custom made and altered to fit me, so I don't even know what size to call it. Snooki sized, most likely.
    Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography
    I mean seriously, good thing I wore 5 inch heels.

    What else needs to get done after the wedding? I'm off to damage my apartment in a coffee related incident. Somebody stop me!

Monday, July 9, 2012

We're a Bicycle

I just can't help myself with these wheel puns. I was very open from day one about my affinity for dad jokes, so you can't say you haven't been warned. When hive member priyathescientist commented on my last post asking if we were now a bicycle, I died laughing and went to a heaven filled with bears on unicycles, fat men slipping on banana peels, and other amusing things.

Our speech bubbles are facing the wrong way. We fail, again.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: two wheels indeed became one. Or we became a bicycle, or whatever. The Unicycles are married! And it was, to put it eloquently yet concisely, friggin' awesome. Our amazing, wonderful, too-good-to-be-true photographer got our pics back to us before I had even wrapped my mind around the wedding being over. We returned from our honeymoon, celebrated our nation's freedom a bit, moved into our new pad in Milwaukee, and all of a sudden our wedding pics are here! We don't even have internet service yet :(

Remember how I couldn't sleep the night before the wedding because I was overtaken with fear at the thought of walking down the aisle while everyone looked at me? It lasted well into the ceremony:

As soon as I got into the vestibule and saw how many guests there were I was like "oh SHIT." Except it was church, so I really went "oh DANG."

Then I freaked out a little bit, but my dad made some dad jokes for me so I'd stop dry heaving.

I got through the ceremony okay, and I got the dramatic kiss photo I wanted!

Pretty much all of my wedding day predictions came true. Except the candy buffet backdrop didn't fall over, to my knowledge, but it did look pretty bangin'.

My bridesmaids also looked pretty bangin' in matching shades that I bought at the last minute, two days before the wedding.

The day was full of so much laughter, so many smiles, and so many amazing, warm/fuzzy feelings. I wish I could get married to Mr. Unicycle every day.

I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all, as they say.

Yes, our last dance was everything I dreamed it would be, and then some. Drunken swaying, sweaty dancing, cheering--the works.

I spent the day kissing this hottie, and now I even get to live with him. Being married rocks.
 a couple of BAMFs

Hopefully I'll be back with regular recaps soon. I don't have a question to ask at the end of the, how are things with you?