She Looks Like Sex

...and other songs not to play at your wedding reception.

I started a spreadsheet of song ideas a while back (thanks, yet again, Google Docs!) and every time I hear a song I want to use for the wedding, I add it to the spreadsheet, noting whether it'll be for the ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, dancing, or other (cake cutting, wedding party intros, etc.). The spreadsheet has been steadily growing for the past 5 months or so, and the other day I looked back at some of the songs I'd added at the beginning.

I did a double take when I saw "S&M: Dancing." Suddenly I was overcome with visions of Mr. Unicycle's grandma belting out "Sex in the air/I don't care I love the smell of it" while my great aunt grinds lasciviously with a groomsman. Hmm. Maybe a song about sadomasochism isn't the best choice for a classy wedding reception celebrating the sacred vows the Unicycles have just made. Here's what else you might want to reconsider adding to your playlist:


Songs about exes:

Every time I go on the treadmill (my absolute favorite place in the world...) I play Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away." That song is just so dang catchy! It's the perfect tempo for running (okay fine, jogging. [alright fine, walking quickly.]) and also dancing. I also love belting out the lyrics in the car. But, um, why would "the one who got away" have any place at our wedding? And for the record, neither me nor the Mr. even has a "one who got away," which somehow makes it even more inappropriate.

Angry songs:

Another song I love singing/walking quickly to is "You Lie" by The Band Perry. But the thing is, Mr. Unicycle doesn't lie, and I'm not angry with him. And again, if I were, I still wouldn't play that at our wedding. But OMG do I sing loudly to that little ditty.

Songs that are impossible to dance to:

Miss Doe has already lamented the unfortunate undanceability of Jack Johnson's "Better Together,"and there are many more where that came from! Pretty much every country song us Unicycles like is undanceable, because they're not fast enough for rug-cutting but not slow enough for cheek-to-cheek slow dancing either. Josh Turner's "Would You Go With Me" was an early choice for our first dance song (as it was the song that convinced me to stop referring to country as hick music), but alas, you just can't dance to it.

Songs no one's ever heard of:

I discovered "You Are the Best Thing" by Ray Lamontagne via Pandora, and I fell in love with it. I assume none of my guests have ever heard it before since I hadn't (might be a bad assumption though). I'm not very musically cultured, I admit. Who knows, maybe everyone's heard this song. The point is, no one wants to dance to a song they've never heard of, unless it's a sick jam with sick beats that you can't help but bust a move to.

Sad songs:

I have to admit I have zero temptation to play Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" or Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." But if I did, I'd have to cut them from the list because they are just unnecessarily sad. I don't want to be thinking of Leonardo Dicaprio's frozen corpse or Sinead's solitary tear while gettin' down at my wedding.

Songs with questionable lyrics:

Besides "S&M" my playlist also included "Marry You" by Bruno Mars, which we all know is the least romantic song of all time masquerading as the most romantic song of all time. Another song I can't help but dance and sing/scream along with is the inappropriately titled "Crazy Bitch," featuring the eloquent line "Hey, you're crazy bitch/But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it."  I'm also considering playing "The Thong Song." Someone please talk me out of this. 

Loud/obnoxious songs:

I feel really old admitting this, but my little brother introduced me to a genre of music called Dubstep that I had legit never even heard of. Please tell me I'm not the only one! Anyway, I imagine that if I were tripping on acid and had a glowstick in my mouf, I might truly enjoy these musical gems. But I can also imagine how the in-laws would respond to a song by Skrillex.

Bad songs I'm playing anyway:

• Aaron's Party (Come Get It): My MOH and I brought da house down when we karaoked this in college, and we intend to do so again at the wedding.
• Ms. Fat Booty: I can't let the opportunity to sing the lyrics "ass so fat that you can see it from the front" at my wedding pass me by.
• Tik Tok: It's my jam. I know I have several jams, but this one IS. MY. JAM. You don't even understand.

What songs did you have to edit out of your playlist? What songs did you leave in anyway? What did you think this post would be about when you read the title?