Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Lose Weight, Get Laid, Find God

This post is actually just about losing weight, but I had to get your attention somehow. Actually here's a funny side note: On my first date with Mr. Unicycle, we hit up the late, great Borders and somehow ended up finding this book and reading it together, right in the middle of the store:
Image via Amazon
It was a hilarious book, or at least the 18-year-old, head-over-heels version of me thought so.

Anyway...Let's talk about weight loss, shall we? First, the perfunctory disclaimer so you don't all turn on me in the comments: I don't believe that all brides should lose weight. I personally was unhappy with my weight since I gained the freshman 15 and have been using the wedding as motivation to lose it. I know Mr. Unicycle will still marry me if I don't lose weight, and my custom made dress is definitely going to fit me no matter what I eat between now and the wedding. I'm also not a doctor or nutritionist. Some restrictions may apply, void where prohibited, some assembly required, etc. etc.

I've always shunned the scale because I'm an informed woman who knows that weight can fluctuate throughout the day, week, and month, and sometimes gaining weight can mean you're just getting more muscular. (Yeah...that's it.) Since weight wasn't a good indicator of health and fitness, I stopped weighing myself for years. Until I randomly decided to step on a scale last summer and was shocked. Shocked, I tell you! How many hamburgers did I eat? Here's what I looked like:


Although I love my engagement pics, there were quite a few like this one that had me saying "That's what I look like??"

Starting in January (yeah, even after that kick in the pants it still took me another 6 months to do anything about it) I decided to make a change. Since then, I've lost approximately 15 pounds (allegedly--I still don't trust scales). Here's a recent pic of me:

 Sorry, it's the best I could do. I'm wearing pajamas now so I'm not taking a new pic tonight.

Not a dramatic difference at all, but I feel a lot better! So what have I been doing? Here are my tips and tricks that have been approved by approximately zero doctors and health professionals:
  1. I made my own Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred plan. Yes, it's another spreadsheet. I decided to do 90 sessions of the 30 Day Shred (so now it's the 90 Day Shred?) throughout the 6 months between January 1st and my wedding. I would do 10 of workout 1 sans weights, 10 with weights, repeat for workout 2, repeat for workout 3, then 10 more sessions with weights for each workout, for a total of 90 workouts. I haven't reached 90 yet, and it's looking like I'm not going to. As of right now I'm at 65.


  2. I started drinking lots and lots of water. I find myself hungry for lunch around 10:30 or 11 AM every day at work. Instead of eating early and feeling hungry all afternoon, I fill up my water bottle and make sure it's gone before I eat any lunch. It always makes my hunger pains go away until it's actually lunch time. I know a lot of times people think they're hungry when they're really just thirsty, and the feeling of thirst is actually one of the last signs of dehydration, so it makes sense that drinking a bottle of water would assuage my hunger. I also got a cool water bottle with a straw, which encourages me to drink more because I friggin can't get enough of drinking out of straws.

    Image via Copco
    I have the pink one.
  3. If I feel like having candy, I grab a stick of gum instead. Okay, this one's only half true. I haven't been able to cut down on my candy habit much still, even now that I'm only a month from my wedding. But in the mid afternoon when I'm craving something sweet and just want something to chew on, I will usually chew a piece of gum instead. It keeps my mouth occupied and food-free for at least 30 minutes, it tastes sugary like candy, and the calorie content in a stick of gum is practically negligible.
  4. I cut bad habits one by one. Instead of declaring January 1st "diet day: one" and cutting out all my favorite things at once, I slowly shaped my diet into something a little more weight loss friendly. I actually started this before the engagement even happened. First I replaced my daily bowl of cereal with a banana, then I replaced my afternoon bag of Triscuits with an extra serving of fruit (who knew Triscuits were so high in calories, considering how much they resemble cardboard?). I stopped drinking a can of pop every afternoon, I stopped indulging in every single office treat that my coworkers brought in, and I cut my dinner carb intake down (though I can't stop eating bread altogether. That shit is good.). I think the key to changing your diet is really just taking it slow and getting used to one change at a time.

     
    How many times have I used this picture on Weddingbee??
  5. I gave up alcohol "for Lent." I can't believe I'm even admitting this. I hate when people use Lent as a diet aide, and yet here I am doing so myself. To be fair, I really just gave up alcohol for 40 days that happened to coincide with Lent. I also cut out weekday drinking almost completely. I used to drink a glass of wine every night as my "dessert," thinking I was being so healthy by not eating real dessert. For some reason I assumed the calories in wine are negligible too...not the case. At all.
So there you have it: How to lose weight in 5 easy steps. What are your weight loss tips and tricks? 

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