Only the Lonely

Welcome to another edition of Miss Unicycle Getting Real. (I'll get back to the engagement pics soon!) I've gone on a few business trips this year, and Mr. Unicycle and I usually spend the whole weekend texting variations of "I miss you" to each other when I'm away. (I'm not sure why I miss him more when I'm in Utah than when I'm in Illinois, because either way we're not in the same state. But it happened.) This got me thinking about attachment and what's "normal" in a relationship.

Image via Edward Monkton

The other day I made the mistake of musing to Mr. Unicycle that I wished I could be more independent and not miss him so much when we're apart. This hurt his feelings, because he thought I was implying that the only reason I stay with him is because I can't be without him ("I wish I knew how to quit you!"). I didn't mean it this way at all--though if you really think deeply about love, isn't that essentially what it is?--and I had to sit and think about what it was that I actually did mean. I had ample time to think about it while on the plane coming home from my bidniz trip, and I came up with 3 main points. Yes, this is a 5 paragraph essay. I miss English class :(.

1. I want Mr. Unicycle's presence to benefit my life--in fact, I want it to be the best thing in my life, and it is--but I don't want his absence to be a detriment to my life. Don't get me wrong--before I met Mr. Unicycle, I definitely spent my fair share of time pitying myself for not having a boyfriend. But for the most part I was happy to spend time with my friends and family and didn't need a boy. Now whenever Mr. Unicycle isn't around, which is quite often since we started the short-distance relationship, I really do feel a hole in my heart. (Put that on a sandwich because it's cheese. But it's still true. I just couldn't come up with a more eloquent way to say it.) For a while I felt like I was unable to be happy if he wasn't with me. I've gotten a lot better about that after living in a different state for over a year, but it's still a problem.
2. I don't want to give up my life for a guy. Now before I go offending my readers, which is to say Mr. Unicycle, hear me out: I'm sure we all know that marriages require sacrifices from both involved parties, and the trade-off is that you get to spend your life with someone amazing whom you love. But part of me wishes I had studied abroad in college or looked for a job in New York after graduation or spent more time with my friends on the weekends instead of always traveling to Milwaukee to visit Mr. Unicycle. I didn't do these things, because I knew I would miss Mr. Unicycle too much. It would be nice if we could be apart from each other without our time apart being miserable (see "a hole in my heart," above).
3. This one's kind of stupid and superficial, but...I don't want people to think I'm weak. People always judge other girls when they appear to be giving up their career aspirations and only focus on their husbands' future. I don't want people to see me giving up opportunities to travel--or even live--far from Mr. Unicycle and assume I'm one of those girls. I also don't want people to be annoyed at me for missing him so much when we're apart. These are allegedly characteristics of weak girls, so I feel like a failure of a feminist when I miss him too much. 

I've spent most of my relationship with Mr. Unicycle worrying that I was too dependent on him but, would you believe it, as I've gotten better at being apart, I've actually started worrying that this is a bad sign too. I assume that when I'm 60 years old and a friend invites me on a scrapbooking cruise or something I'll leap at the opportunity to be away from Mr. Unicycle and his leaving the toilet seat up/dirty socks on the floor and other sitcom inspired habits. I definitely don't want to fast forward to that time!

I'd love to hear from you about your experiences with attachment and separation! Am I "normal?" Does this blog post make me seem weak? Do I care?