Old people hate weddings because that dang music is just too dang loud.
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"Back in my day..." etc. etc. blah blah blah
Children hate weddings because they have to "behave themselves," whatever that means.
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I hate this kid more than he hates weddings.
Teenagers hate weddings because they are the most awkward people on the planet and they're not allowed any liquid courage.
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"You expect me to dance at a wedding? Please. I'm an angsty teen."
Bridesmaids hate weddings because they have to shell out their life's savings on a fugly dress and wear it while wondering if they'll ever get their own "special day." (There's nothing worse than lamenting your singleness while wearing a hideous dress.)
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"Will I ever find my prince? Why am I wearing this? What is 'is'? "
Married people hate weddings because they remind them of how happy they used to be, and how different they feel now.
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"Remember back in the day when we actually liked each other and didn't have to pay the bills by posing for erectile dysfunction ads?"
Divorced people hate weddings because they have to restrain themselves from grabbing the bride and groom, shaking them, and exclaiming "Don't do it!"
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Like this. Goth makeup optional.
Babies hate weddings because they interfere with breastfeeding. Okay, so maybe babies aren't cognizant enough to hate anything, but they do usually look pretty damn angry.
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"The Electric Slide? Really? You asses gotta be kidding me. Give me my effing formula."
The bride and groom may love their own wedding, but not the 300+ days leading up to it. You know why? Because weddings kind of suck sometimes:
Top 6 Reasons Why Weddings Suck:
1. Everything is more expensive. A white dress from the prom section would be a couple hundred bucks at the most. A white dress from a bridal shop? A couple hundred bucks at the very (very) least. Want a sweet updo for prom? Only 50 bucks. Oh it's for your wedding day? Make that $100. Taking 200 people out to dinner and buying them unlimited drinks is expensive (and would probably never happen since I'm cheap) but at a wedding reception, its super expensive. Like tens of thousands, people! And somehow I'm paying for this even though I'm cheap.
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If I only had a savings account...
2. It's your special day. There are so many things wrong with this sentence. First of all, it conjures images of "exquisite wedding receptions" in 90s-themed hotel ballrooms. Second of all, it's usually pushy wedding dress salespeople and cheesy DJs who say things like that. They want you to feel special so you'll say crap like "when else will I have a special day, all to myself? I'll splurge!" and "this guy really cares about my wedding day. I should book him." Third of all, you think no one else is getting married/celebrating a birthday/giving birth/being awarded the Nobel prize on the same day as my wedding? This isn't just my day--other people have some stock in it too. How dare they, but seriously.
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It's exquisite! It's sophisticated! It's...your special day!
3. Flowers boggle my mind. I'm sick of thinking about, reading about, and hearing about flowers and centerpieces. They all look the same to me (Bor-ing), they all cost more than I would even spend on a tank of gas, and they're all going to die before I return from the honeymoon. And yet you have to have them at your wedding.
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I googled "wilted flowers" and this seriously looks the same as every other "rustic-barn-chic-vintage" wedding I've ever seen.
4. Everything is a wild goose chase. I decided I wanted a gray and white polka dot motif for my special day (don't ask why), and since then every minute of my life has been devoted to googling "gray and white polka dot ribbon" and "gray and white polka dot fabric." I've looked for paper, balloons, streamers, favor bags...you name it and I've failed to find it in gray and white polka dots. Ditto for yellow shoes, yellow bridesmaid dresses, and many other yellow things. Imagine if I'd chosen a more specific color scheme like "cranberry and apricot?"
This is what appears when I search "gray and white polka dots." As you can see, most of it is not, in fact, gray and white polka dots. This is what I'm dealing with, people.
5. Everyone accuses you of being a bridezilla. Every time I bring up the wedding with someone I have to remind myself that no one else cares about it and if I don't shut up I'm a self-absorbed, wedding-obsessed, full-on bridezilla. I try not to ask for help from friends and family members because I know they're just thinking "there are other things in the world besides your stoop wedding day, ya know."
Photo from theresa21's photo stream via Flickr
Run! It's bridezeeeeela!
6. I am a bridezilla. Fo' realz? There are other things in the world more important than my special day? I seriously doubt it. All I think about and talk about is my wedding. I have wedding spreadsheets up the wazoo. I even have spreadsheets organizing my other spreadsheets. My room and basement are full of wedding paraphernalia, and I've already begun having wedding nightmares. If you don't want to hear about the photobooth props I made last week then don't talk to me. And if C doesn't book a DJ in the next week, he can forget about talking to me too! And if you're a vendor who doesn't use the phrase "your special day" when talking to me, you can forget about getting my Benjamins because you clearly don't care enough about my "vision."
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This is the face you'll see when you don't listen to me talk about table numbers. (Actually to be honest, this is my attempt at a fierce sexy face.)
So let's vent: What do you absolutely hate about weddings? (Or if you're a more positive person than me, what could you do without?)
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